I skipped dinner yesterday.  I don't think it's a big deal, but I refuse to sit idly by and let myself think in such an ignorant manner.  It is a big deal for me to skip any part of my meal plan, that meal plan is mandatory and it barely fulfills a low-end substantial daily caloric intake even in its entirety.  I can't be so lax about the fact that I chose to skip dinner last night when I haven't been having an issue with that for some time now, and yes I need to start viewing it as an issue.  Restriction is like poison and I need to stop drinking it.  In my mind I didn't really choose to skip dinner, it just kind of was like oops I got home late and I don't know I'm on my way to bed and I'm not hungry etc all of which is bullsh*t.  First off, it is rare that I ever feel a hunger sensation because my body is obviously messed up from being so ED'd for so long, so that is a bullsh*t reason for me not to eat.  I also got home after spending time with my dad, which I should have anticipated was going to possibly create a problem for me.

My dad and I went to dinner last night (ie we sat in a restaurant and I had plain tea while he had an entree, dessert and tea like a normal person) and I enjoyed spending time with him.  He brought me a latte mug that has hand painted flowers on it and says 'you make the world more special just by being in it.'  It was thoughtful because I love coffee and I always like bigger cups.  The vibes I got from my dad were those of a father who is proud of his daughter, and I really did enjoy spending time with him.  However, we talked a lot about my mom, and how she isn't supportive of me.  I understand that my dad wanted to protect my own interests and validate my feelings about my mom and also explain some things about my mom's own history that make it impossible for her to be supportive of me in many respects, but I think perhaps it took a toll on me to have a conversation so much about my mom.  It's somewhat of an anxiety-inducing topic.  He did tell me that he's extraordinarily proud of me for taking control of my own life and being strong enough to oppose the anti-medication stance of one of my parents in the interest of pursuing my recovery, he said he's more proud of me for doing that than for any A I've ever gotten or could ever get in school.  It was a very nice thing to hear.

When I got home I went to take a shower and I had already been plotting not eating dinner.  Alex, Jessica and I were hanging out in the kitchen after I got out of the shower, and they were both having late dinners/snacks.  We always have girl talk in the kitchen, and it's usually the case that I don't really partake in the eating activity.  Jess was offering Alex something, and then she offered it to me.  When I said no thanks we all kind of smiled and I was just like it's okay I get that it would feel weird to not offer someone, just based on rules of engagement type of stuff.  Jess was like, I'm always going to offer you food because I know one day you'll be okay with saying yes and I don't want you to feel like I'm not offering you food because I don't think you should be eating it-- another alpha supportive comment from this girl, I really feel lucky to have a friend like this.  Alex seconded what Jess said, and I don't really know what happened but it just struck a chord inside and my eyes started to fill with tears.  I guess I was thinking about how supportive a lot of people are of me recovering and how much progress I feel I've made already with going on medication just a short while ago, and I think it was just hard to have such loving support when I knew that I skipped dinner.

ED recovery is very long-term, and I'm having a hard time accepting that.  Ever since feeling so much better from the prescription, I just find myself wishing that I didn't have an ED.  I don't want it to be part of who I am, but then at times like last night I see how pervasive it is in my life.  It's hard because my eating is pretty consistently stable, yet I think about the fact that once I'm not restricting/bingeing/purging, I still have to then grapple with the huge problem of being phobic of food.  I'm going to have to learn how to not just eat the same thing every day, and then eventually how to make my own decisions about what I'm eating-- right now I just don't think that's even possible for me.  BUT, if history has taught me anything, which it has, I know that I CAN do things with food that I think I cannot, because I used to never be able to eat at all.  Now I can eat every day.  Now that I've been feeling better I also feel a little sad and frustrated, maybe somewhat resentful, about the fact that I can't just go to a restaurant with my friends...it's not fun.  I just wish I could accelerate recovery, but I think deep down I know that I have to stick it out, and I have to lose this ambivalence that sometimes comes up and tries to reclaim my life from me.

Today I'm going to have to pry myself away from the seductive hold of restriction, I don't have time for this sh*t.  I know that yesterday I also started to feel fat, and it was in direct correlation with talking to my dad on the phone a few hours before he got here.  We were talking about my mom, but I don't know, I just think that my parents in general trigger me.  It's unfortunate, but at that isn't the first time I've seen what I guess is maybe stress from an interaction with my dad translate into a negative, or more negative, body image.  It was scary, I actually saw myself as fatter than I had earlier in the day.  I hated that, I don't ever want to have to feel that way it is fcking miserable and I've put my time in with that sh*t.  This morning, I looked in the mirror and thought I look great.  I am not fat, I'm not.  EDs are psychiatric disorders, I need to keep that in mind next time I'm faced with the illusion that I'm fat, I can't trust my eyes.

Even though last night was disappointing to me, I'm not going to let myself be deterred.  I know that it's my responsibility to get in everything on my meal plan, and I no longer view it as an advantage to restrict.  I was upset because last night I thought to myself well it's not like my dinner is that many calories so it won't matter if I skip it-- I immediately thought then what the fck why can't I just feel like it's not that many calories so it won't matter if I eat it.  I suppose it has something to do with the whole recovering anorexic thing, but it just sucked.  I felt so out of control because I could just see that I was trying to control by using restriction but that I am simultaneously so very painfully aware of the ignorance in doing so.  I want to stop this sh*t in its tracks before it gets out of control, so today I'm going to ask Jess if she can please keep tabs on me and just make sure that I've eaten my three meals.  I know that she wouldn't mind having dinner with me or just texting me as a reminder, so I can't use the lame excuse that I would be bothering her.  She looked pained last night when I started crying, and I know it's because she has seen the change in my attitude and knows how much I'm counting on the medication to help me, so I'm sure it was hard for her to watch me get frustrated in recovery.  I'm not going to be beaten by a minor slip, today I'm going to push forward instead of looking back.  I am not fat and eating is part of my treatment.  I'm in control of me, not anorexia.