I booked an appointment with the psychiatrist yesterday, for November 14th.  I don't know how I feel about it, I think I'm looking forward to it.  I followed my meal plan yesterday, and then went to the movies with Alex late at night.  We had a lot of fun.  Today I have a therapy appointment in two hours, then class, then group.  I'm nervous about group, even though the girl that was crying about the body image stuff will not be there.  I still just feel very uncomfortable.  I'm struggling a lot with body image, so that's what I would really like to talk about in group, but now I feel as though I can't.

It's upsetting to me that I feel so harsh about my own body.  It really disgusts me, I really think my body is repulsive.  I'm trying to hold on to what Ben said just two weeks ago-- you look great, I never thought you were fat.  Even when I briefly checked my email on his computer while I was there, he came over and there was some porn ad on the side bar (not of my email actually, of a general internet page thing) and the girl wasn't like one of those animated girls, she had a real and really nice body.  He made a typical guy comment and kind of mumbled something about wow she's got a cute body...I like yours better. 

I like yours better.

I just feel like why is it not enough for me to have Ben's approval, when that's really all I ever wanted?  It is the most important thing to me concerning my body.  I guess I just don't like the fact that now I can really see that BDD is not simply something reassurance or even just assurance can fix.  If that theory were correct, I would think I have the best body in the world right now, purely because Ben thinks I have a great body.  But I don't, so again, a situation has arisen concerning my ED that no one can save me from, I have to forge a new path.  At this particular moment, I'm sick of forging, and I just want a solution.  Rather than get frustrated, I'm just going to focus on following my meal plan today, because that's really the best thing that I can do for myself, and it's a realistic goal to set.  Today I think I'm going to talk with my therapist about being able to either weigh myself or starting to be filled in on my weekly weigh-ins.  I've become obsessed with trying to figure out what I weigh, because I can actually fit into a pair of jeans that are from when I was underweight.  They don't fit like they once did, but I can easily button them, and that's fairly uncanny.  I want to start making some changes that don't involve me waiting to lose weight, then losing weight and continuing to wait.  It's a delicate situation, because I'm almost sure that if I knew my weight I would freak out and be crying and what not.  But at the same time part of me feels that it might make me more comfortable, because I likely weigh less than I think I do.  I'll leave it to my therapist to discern which part of my thinking is the anorexic part just wanting to keep me anorexic.